The Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience. Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience. Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A1:None of your damn business! A2:50. 50? Yeah, 50! It's in the contract. Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program,One to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure that nobody else tries to change the bulb at the same time. Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A1: One: One to change the bulb and one not to change it. A2: Four: One to change the bulb. A3: Wu. Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Billions and billions. Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs! Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready. Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? A: You can unscrew a light bulb. Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it. Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ------" consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one. Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it. Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third to shoot the witness. Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change. Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. That's a hardware problem. Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway. Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee. Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done. Q: How many "Real Men" does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. "Real Men" aren't afraid of the dark. Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. (Hint: they are small enough to fit inside) Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. Q: How many Generals/Politicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again. Q: How many med students does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him. Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three, but they're really one. Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs. Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's not funny! Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in. Q: How many students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10: One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder. Q: How many strong students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 115: One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house. Q: How many student gods does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet. Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. He simply holds the bulb and the universe revolves around him. Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one Watt bulb? A: Five: A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple... Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It turned itself in. Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford? Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb? A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it! Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. There never *was* any light bulb. Q: How many federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Sorry, that item was cut from the budget! Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One-third less than for a regular bulb. Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: What kind of answer did you have in mind? Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two: One to change the bulb, and the other to assume the ladder. Q: How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb? A: 45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork. Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end. Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness. Q: How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb? A: Who says it's dark? Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. Q: How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb? A: 50: One to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him. Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States. Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it. Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb? A: Many hands make light work. Q: How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb ? A: 6. 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing. Q: How many pro-lifers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one - he/she will decide when and if the light bulb gets changed. Q: How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: That light bulb doesn't need to be changed. We'll put some bells and whistles on it so you can still find your way around. Sure, it's heavy, but most older sockets can support the weight. And why haven't you bought a new heavy-duty socket by now, anyway?