Here are some hilarious quotes for you, straight from the pages of Richard
Lederer's MORE ANGUISHED ENGLISH!

Volume one: Students' errors in History and Literature

* Henry VIII by his own efforts increased the population of England by 40,000

* The two major religions of Ireland are Catholic and Prostitute

* In the middle of the 18th century all the morons moved to Utah

* During his term of office, Woodrow Wilson had many foreign affairs

* They are fighting a civil war in Serbia because the Bostonians, Crates, and
Hertzgodivas want to get rid of the Serves

* William Shakespeare was famous for writing tragedies, comedies, and
hysterectomies

* Romeo and Juliet tell each other how much they are in love in the baloney
scene

* Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet

* The novels of Charles Dickens are mellow dramatic and full of truth and
sediment

* In Little Women, Amy had an air of refinery about her

* The theme of The Catcher in the Rye is that Holden Caulfield leaves the world
of childhood and enters the world of adultery

* Do you know that if Beethoven were alive today, he'd be celebrating the 160th
anniversary of his death?

* Aaron Copeland is one of our most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual
to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.

* At one time, singers had to use musicians to accompany them. Since
synthesizers came along, singers can now play with themselves.



Here's volume two of quotes from MORE ANGUISHED ENGLISH...

Part one: Students' errors in Science and Math

* A squid is sort of like a small jellyfish, except that it has ten to twelve
testicles that hang down from its body

* A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold

* A molecule is so small that it can't be seen by the naked observer

* Extinct birds lay very few eggs

* The pelvis protects the gentiles

* A circle is a round straight line with a hole in the middle

* To find the number of square feet in a room, you multiply the room by the
number of feet



Part two: College entrance essay follies

* If there was a single word to describe me, that word would have to be
"profectionist"

* I function well as an individual and a group

* I want to be fully bilingual in three or more languages

* I have taken many curses in literature and writing